The Story of Our Life Page 8
‘Hey toots, you’re here.’ My dad entered with a flourish, looking bright and tanned in his coral pink polo shirt and chinos. There was clearly a golf trip to Spain in his recent past.
I kissed him on the cheek and gave him a hug. ‘Hi dad. Happy anniversary. This is Colm. Colm, this is my dad, Jeff.’
They shook hands, with Colm managing not to wince at what I knew would be a knuckle-crushing exchange. It was an Alpha male thing.
‘Come on outside and join in,’ Dad commanded. No chat. No ‘how are you?’ No ‘It’s great to see you, it’s been weeks, is all well in your life?’ Again, I wasn’t bothered in the least, but Colm looked perplexed as he took it all in. ‘Lulu, Rosie, you come along too. And you mother.’
He was the only one who didn’t register Annie’s eye roll as we headed out to join the other fifty or so guests on the lush, flower-bordered lawn. He immediately went into host mode, shaking hands, wandering from group to group,
‘Don’t eat the food,’ my gran hissed for my ears only, gesturing to the buffet table. ‘Your mother got some fancy caterer to do it instead of you, so we’re protesting with a hunger strike.’
The champagne I was drinking caught in my throat and I choked on a mixture of bubbles and hilarity. God, I adored my gran. She knew I’d offered to do the catering and my mother had refused, telling her friends she wanted something ‘a little more upmarket’. I loved that Annie was outraged on my behalf.
The rest of the afternoon passed in a flurry of social niceties and polite conversation with my parents’ friends, all of which felt unusually enjoyable because I was introducing Colm to everyone. It was a tough crowd – their main subjects of conversation were golf, house prices and rising crime in the suburbs – but he handled it brilliantly and didn’t complain once. Of course, my parents didn’t come over to chat to us. Nope, meeting their daughter’s new boyfriend didn’t even come close to registering on their scale of interest. Still, Colm’s effort with their cohorts was one more thing to add to the long list of things I already loved about him, while the mind-numbing boredom was one more reason to have another drink. Lulu and Rosie obviously had the same idea.
‘Has Colm cracked yet and begged to leave?’ Lulu asked as we met at the beer section of the bar that had been set up near the ornamental pond.
‘Nope.’
‘Then dump him now, because there must be something wrong with him.’
Rosie gave her a swift elbow in the ribs. ‘Enough. Shauna, don’t you dare dump him.’
‘Where are Dan and Paul?’ I asked.
‘Paul is studying for his finals,’ Rosie answered. ‘Poor thing is working so hard – have barely seen him for weeks.’ I registered a subtle sadness in her voice and I made a mental note to check call her tomorrow and check she was ok.
‘And Dan said he’d rather put forks in his eyes than spend the afternoon with my parents,’ Lulu said, gesturing to her mum and dad, Gwen and Charlie, who had now joined the group I’d left Colm with. I could see them making introductions, Colm still giving all the impressions of someone who actually wanted to be there. That was a talent.
When Lu and I were kids, we’d been far too young to understand the psychology behind it, but looking back, I could see immediately why we bonded and stuck together. Two only children, both products of parents who believed life was for their own enjoyment, and treated their offspring as mild hindrances that belonged fairly low down the pecking order. When we were teenagers, we had more of an understanding of the situation and decided that on the scale of parental importance, we came somewhere between golf and a visit to the salon for an eyebrow wax. That conclusion hadn’t changed much.
I rejoined Colm, exchanged a flurry of air kisses with Lu’s parents, and then listened as they resumed a scintillating conversation about the local golf club expansion plans. I was close to losing the will to live when I spotted my parents were talking to each other at the French doors that led back through to the kitchen.
This was as good a time as any to tell them. It had to be today, because I couldn’t risk my gran blurting it out. I was fairly certain my mother wouldn’t be particularly bothered about the news, but her nose would be out of joint if she thought Annie had gazumped her in the gossip stakes.
‘Excuse me a second, can I just steal Colm?’
The flicker of relief in his expression was well-disguised but, nevertheless, I spotted it. So he was human after all.
‘You’re doing great,’ I whispered as I led him across the lawn. ‘Annie says if it gets too much she’ll distract them with a conga and we can make our escape.’
He was still laughing when we reached the anniversary couple.
‘Mum, dad, can we have a quick word?’ It suddenly struck me that I should probably have warned Colm about what I was about to do.
‘Now darling?’ my mother asked, clearly not appreciating my timing. ‘We’re just about to cut the cake.’
‘It’ll only take two minutes,’ I promised, realizing from the slight flush of her face that she was already a few glasses of champagne to the merry.
I decided to dive right in. ‘Colm and I just wanted to let you both know that we’re getting married. He proposed last week and I accepted.’
In my peripheral vision I could see Colm’s head doing an Exorcist swirl in my direction. Definitely should have warned him.
The folks didn’t miss a beat. ‘Oh that’s lovely, dear. Well done,’ mother said, like she’d just discovered I took third prize in a pie-making competition. Actually, pies would be a bit downmarket for her. It would have to be quiche.
‘Well, that’s a bit of a shock,’ my dad said quietly, and I felt Colm tense. He obviously didn’t know my dad well enough to spot what was on his mind. Thankfully, I did.
‘Don’t worry, dad, we’re eloping,’ I said. ‘Your retirement fund is safe.’
Like he’d just been reprieved from a heinous fate, his whole demeanour switched from concerned to relieved. He had a 360 degree attitude shift, reached out and pumped Colm’s hand.
‘Great news. Happy for you both.’
‘Thank you. Sorry, I hadn’t realized Shauna was going to break the news today,’ Colm stuttered, cast a startled ‘what the hell?’ glance in my direction. He’d thank me later. Delivering big news about my life to my parents was like ripping off a Band Aid – best to be quick and get it over with, because if you took your time it only caused irritation. ‘I’d intended to ask your permission first. And yours, Mrs. Williams.’
That was news to me. I was even happier that we’d broke the news today. Normal tradition definitely wasn’t required when it came to my parents.
‘Call me Debbie,’ she preened. ‘And our permission isn’t required. Whatever Shauna wants is fine with us.’ And whatever causes the least disruption to our lives is even better. I added that last sentence in my mind.
My mother’s beautiful face suddenly twisted with panic. ‘You’re not going to announce it here today, are you?’
Again, I knew exactly what she was thinking.
‘Of course not, mum. This is your day.’
Her relief was instant. Heaven forbid anything should detract from their moment.
‘Right, well I’ll come into town this week and you can tell me all about it.’ We both knew she wouldn’t. ‘Jeff, time for the cake.’ And once again, the attention was back on Debbie. Normal service resumed.
Colm stared at their retreating forms, while I waited until they were out of earshot, before summarizing the situation with a dramatic but hushed flourish that only Colm could hear. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Jeff and Debbie Williams. Pillars of society, social whirlwinds and lovely people, just as long as you’re not their daughter. Available for conversations about golf, wine and the timeshare in Marbella. Not so much interested in aforementioned daughter’s impending nuptials.’
‘Yeah, they’re eh…’ he struggled to pinpoint the word, eventually settling for ‘…definitely different.’
His arm slipped around my shoulders and he pulled me close. ‘I’m marrying you, not that pair of crackers,’ he told me. ‘But I think it’s a fecking miracle you turned out normal.’
I was still kissing him when a loud cough cut through the chatter around us.
‘Ladies and gentlemen,’ my dad’s booming voice carried right across the garden and standing next to him, my mother beamed to her audience. They looked genuinely happy and I was genuinely pleased for them. Not many couples lasted twenty-five years. But then, not many couples had the kind of marriage that had worked for Jeff and Debbie. It was unusual to say the least. And I was fairly sure that most of the assembled guests didn’t know the half of it.
We worked our way around the lawn, until we were level with the happy couple but off to the right hand side of them, shaded by the foliage of a huge leylandii.
‘I just wanted to thank you all for coming here today, to help me celebrate twenty-five years of being married to this beautiful woman.’
Stockbroker Central gave a semi-rousing cheer.
‘Of course, our time together has been made so special by the people in our lives. My mother, Annie…’ He raised a glass in a toast in the direction of my granny. She put on her best fake smile as she gave him a nod, setting me off on the giggles again.
‘Our daughter, Shauna,’ he continued, gesturing over to where I’d been standing five minutes ago. He was too vain to wear his specs so he’d have no idea that I was now standing just across from him. Still, I’d been honoured with a mention and he’d got my name right. That might be a pinnacle in our relationship.
‘And I couldn’t let this day pass without thanking the two people who’ve been with us from the start. Gwen and Charlie, come on over here.’
Across the other side of the garden, I caught Lulu’s gaze as her parents came to the front to stand beside mine. We sent each other a silent message that required no words. Lulu’s mother and mine could have been sisters, both petite, blonde, impeccably groomed, while her dad, Charlie, had long since lost his hair, but not his suave charm and expensive tastes, evident from the Armani logo on his cream polo top and the thick gold Rolex watch round his wrist.
‘Charlie and Gwen were our best man and bridesmaid, and I’m delighted to say they’re still our closest friends.’
Another cheer.
‘So ladies and gentlemen, here’s to my beautiful Debbie, our friends Gwen and Charlie and the last twenty-five fantastic years! Let’s hope that there’s another twenty-five ahead of us.’
The gathering toasted the happy foursome. To an outsider it must look like the perfect scenario of love, family and happiness. If only they knew. Love and happiness maybe, but Lulu and I had learned much too young that family didn’t enter the equation.
Jeff sealed the moment by kissing my mum on the lips, to another chorus of whoops. Lovely.
My dad shouted something about dancing and suddenly there was music, Rod Stewart’s ‘Maggie May’, blaring from inside the house. He must have teed someone up to switch on his sound system. It was rigged up from the kitchen to two outdoor speakers on the top corners of the conservatory and had provided the musical backdrop to hundreds of parties over the years.
Lulu and Rosie worked their way over to us, cutting through a couple of dozen people in the middle of the garden shuffling from one foot to another with various degrees of enthusiasm.
‘Did your heart melt?’ Lulu asked me, teasing.
‘Like butter in the midday sun,’ I retorted with feigned sincerity.
‘So how soon do you think we can bail out without being rude?’
I checked my watch. ‘I’m going to give it another half an hour and then my duty is done.’
Colm listened to the interchange with fascination. ‘This is the weirdest afternoon I’ve ever had.’
I could see his point. Who meets the guy who’s going to marry their only daughter and barely gives him a second glance? Welcome to the world of the Williams.
‘Is it always like this?’ he went on, and I could see he was struggling over whether to be amused or horrified.
‘Pretty much,’ Lulu confirmed. ‘We’ve spent our whole lives being the less than perfect daughters of the two most self-centred couples in the free world. It breeds a certain set of survival skills. We had to get sarcastic or die.’
‘Well you’re doing a grand job on it.’ He obviously decided to block out the bizarreness and turned to Rosie. ‘How’s life treating you, Rosie?’
He and Rosie had hit it off from the start. We’d all probably got together on around a dozen occasions over the last few weeks and it felt like Colm had been part of the group for ever.
‘It’s great,’ she said, her sunny tone perfectly matching her yellow forties style sundress that accentuated her curves, and neat pillbox hat. She was the only one there in headwear but she absolutely pulled it off.
‘Rosie, get over here and show these old ones how it’s done.’
I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer for mercy to God, as my dad appeared and swept Rosie away to jive to an Elvis number.
‘And we just went one step higher up the rung of crazy,’ I murmured.
Although, it had to be said, despite the age difference, they were the star attraction. All those years Rosie’s mother had dragged her to dance lessons paid off. The crowd formed a circle around them applauding their every synchronized move.
‘Can you do that?’ Colm asked.
‘Nope.’
‘Och, don’t be modest.’
Lulu shook her head. ‘She’s not being modest. She dances like a giraffe on coke.’
‘There you have it,’ I confirmed.
When Rosie got back to us she was giggling and fanning her face with her hand. ‘Your dad’s got moves,’ she said, hands on hips now, slightly bent over in a bid to get her breathing back to normal. It took a glass and a half of champagne before she’d fully recovered. I was glad to see her mood lift. Maybe I’d been wrong about her sadness earlier.
‘Okay, so we’ve been here all afternoon and Colm still hasn’t fled in horror, so I think I’m going to quit while I’m ahead and call it a day. Girls, I’ll call you both…’ I kissed Lulu, ‘…during the week,’ I finished, kissing Rosie this time.
‘Don’t leave us!’ Lulu wailed, laughing as she clutched on to my arm. I prised her fingers off. ‘Sorry, you’re on your own. If it gets really bad there’s always vodka.’
I gave them both another hug, ignoring Lulu’s exaggerated petulance, and we headed into the kitchen, where Annie was holding court at the cooker, while stirring a large pot of something.
‘That’s us away now, gran,’ I told her, bending down to hug her tightly. She was barely five feet tall, but never left home without her heels, which took her to five foot three. Yet she had a personality that made her seem so much bigger.
‘Okay, pet. I’ll phone you later to tell you what I think of the boyfriend,’ she said, with a wink at Colm who was standing right beside her.
‘Can you make it favourable please? I’d like her to keep me around.’
‘I might, but I’m not promising anything,’ she said, enjoying the banter. I could see she adored him already – and her opinion was the only one that really mattered to me.
I scanned the room but couldn’t see any sign of my parents.
‘Any idea where mum and dad are?’ I asked her.
She carried on stirring the pot as she gestured to the door leading to the hallway. ‘I think I saw them go past there and go upstairs.’
‘Okay, thanks – we’ll go track them down and say goodbye.’
Wordlessly, Colm followed me upstairs, almost crashing into me when I suddenly stopped at the top.
‘What…’
I immediately covered his mouth with my hand and gestured to the other side of the landing, and the open door to my mum and dad’s bedroom. My dad’s back was to us, his neck bent as the couple tenderly kissed.
Putting my other hand on Colm’s shoulder, I silently pushed him back downstairs, ignoring the confused look on his face. We went straight out the front door, and only then did he manage to speak.
‘What’s up? I think it’s pretty romantic that your mum and dad are still up for a snog.’
I exhaled deeply, totally pissed off that the day had ended this way.
‘Yep, my dad is definitely still up for a snog. But that wasn’t my mum – it was Lulu’s.’
‘Lulu’s mum?’ he repeated, aghast, for clarification.
‘Yep.’ I said, suddenly exhausted. Oh the irony. A twenty five year wedding anniversary party, and for most of those years both couples had enjoyed open marriages. My dad’s thing with Lulu’s mum had been going on for over a decade, while both their spouses had been happily engaged elsewhere with a trail of dalliances of their own. No secrets. No guilt. No thought as to how any of this would affect me and Lulu. And now Colm too.
I slipped my hand into his. ‘I meant what I said earlier. Now might be a good time for you to cut your losses and run.’
11
2015